We all want love. We all need love.
All human problems come down to a problem about love, in my opinion.
So why do so many of us seem to have sooooooo many problems about it in our intimate lives – divorce, infidelity, unhappiness, the never-ending search for Mr. or Ms. Right, the constant scheming, the one-night stands that leave us feeling more empty than before, strange fetishes, running from one disappointment to the next, coping with a loveless marriage, coping with being alone, keeping up false appearances of marital bliss, and on and on and on and on?
“Why does this keep happening to me?” we might ask.
Self-doubting, weak-willed, promiscuous sex partners (real or potential) are erotic, attractive and fascinating. One tends secretly to desire and even to become sexually associated with such partners. If one is married to a man or woman who is essentially strong, loving, and giving, then one tends to doubt, and manipulate, and test that one – in order to prove he or she is really tending to leave you and not to love you.
This is because of one’s own self-doubting, weak-willed, and promiscuous tendencies. Thus, one tends to believe the same must be true of one’s lover, and the opposite sex in general. And one’s polarized life tends to become a dramatized dilemma, a seat of conflict, in which separation must always appear to be at stake. If the relationship fails to allow this sense of conflict – as in the case where one’s lover appears too submissive, self-sacrificing, affectionate, and attached to oneself – then one creates it, or imagines it, and, ultimately, loses interest in the relationship.
Thus, sexual relationships founded in the erotic motive depend on conflict and the potential of separation. They also depend on self-doubt in both partners and fascination with degenerative orgasm and the general exploitation of sexuality and reactive (or separative) emotions.
There is no happiness in sexual love until tranquility and a whole bodily, sacrificial, and feeling orientation become acceptable to both partners. The erotic becomes the motive whenever separation becomes fascinating. Where separation is fascinating, partners constantly test one another and seek to prove the lack of love in one another. Then, when the play of conflict finally does produce separation, there is despair and the suffering of feelings of rejection and self-pity.
One must inspect the desire for loveless or potentially promiscuous partners. Only responsibility for one’s own self-doubt and inability to commit oneself in love will relieve one of the whole drama or script of the erotic and separative fascinations in the process of sexual relationship. When one is responsible as love and capable of intimacy, then one desires via love, and the erotic motive, the motive toward casual and loveless sex via conflict and fears of separation, will come to rest.
Sex play should become sexual communion, which is sexual relationship adapted to love and service, and sexual functioning adapted to the regenerative rather than degenerative cycle of the body. Thus, the partner to choose in marriage should be one who is at ease with feeling and attention in sexual love, rather than one who is troubled, obsessed, demanding, childish, promiscuous, fascinating, self-involved, and devoid of intelligence, self-control, and spiritual commitment to the Living Divine and to the higher or perfect Destiny of man.
[Excerpted from Love of the Two-Armed Form: The Free and Regenerative Function of Sexuality In Ordinary Life, and the Transcendence of Sexuality in True Religious Or Spiritual Practice, by Bubba Free John, a.k.a. Adi Da. As included in The Basket of Tolerance by Adi Da Samraj.]
- Sometimes we find ourselves or see our friends being attracted to “players” or “flirts” – glamorous or seductive people who offer to flatter us, smile at us, and seduce us without requiring any real love, vulnerability or commitment from us in return. Is this a dream come true, or are we just being stupid?
- When we actually achieve loveless sex – whether it’s with a stranger, our spouse, or just an image in our head during masturbation – does it bring us satisfaction? Is it even good sex?
- What does he mean by “seek to prove the lack of love in one another”? I can definitely relate to this one, oh boy.
- How does your current emotional-sexual situation relate to the passage we just read?
- What is your history with sex? Would your friends say that the train is going full-steam in the same direction as always, or are you making changes that will ensure a happier adaptation to sex in the future?
P.S. If you appreciate something in this blog, please consider sharing it with others. Let’s go beyond our own private enjoyment…